Is there some sliding scale on which we measure what it means to be enough? That's what I was thinking while stirring a pot of linguine at 5:30pm on a Friday night, already in my pajamas and ready for bed.
At 5:30. On a Friday night.
So now, while I sit here shoveling this pile of pasta into my face (and convincing myself it's a form of self-care) I can't stop thinking about what it really means to be "enough." Pretty enough. Smart enough. Happy enough. Driven enough. Confident enough. Woof. That's a big one for me. I know of all my enoughs that one is seriously lacking. In an effort to be "confident enough" I've enlisted the help of Brene Brown (albeit unbeknownst to her). Brene has a way of speaking and writing that makes you want to stand up and shout YES. YES to vulnerability! YES to empathy! YES to being DARING and WHOLE HEARTED!
To be clear, I'm shouting all of this internally otherwise SOMEONE MIGHT HEAR ME!
My confidence, on a scale of 1 to 10, is at a firm -2. That's not on the scale you say? See, I don't even have enough confidence for it to register on the scale. Not enough. I've become so concerned with not being enough of something for somebody else that I completely lost myself and lost what it meant to be enough for me. Am I confident with the stage I'm in right now? Hell. NO! I'm super insecure in my relationship, in my job, in how I compare to my family--it's a never-ending cycle of insecurity and every. single. person wants to tell me to just "be more confident." Simple. "Break the cycle." I'll get on that.
Being inherently insecure, you can't just wake up one morning and become Beyonce.
Fine, having the confidence of Beyonce is a crazy unrealistic goal. You know what kind of confidence I want? The confidence of the little girl who's not afraid to speak her mind--the confidence to run and play and not care if anyone is laughing at you when you fall.
I guess I'm just not sure what I'm "allowed" to be. If I care, I'm emotional. If I stand up for myself, it's because I'm a bitch. If I find a silver lining, I'm naive. If I demand respect, I'm disrespectful. How can I have confidence in a world that is so contradictory. In a world that doesn't give us a linear, acceptable way to be. So, the solution is to stop caring so much and just do what I want and not worry about other people's perceptions.
I'll let you know when I figure out how to do that....